Monday, November 19, 2012

There's Nothing Like Free Bacon

Right now I am eating free take-out bacon in a Super 8 somewhere in Arizona half drunk with road fatigue.  So of course now is a good time to post a blog.  I'm not even sure where I am right now.  I can narrow it down to somewhere east of Phoenix and west of Tuscon.

This little 1200 mile excursion is just a practice run for my January cross-country tour.  I'll be driving from San Francisco to Nashville, visiting friends and family on the way and seeing part of the country before I move to England.  Oh, did I not mention that yet?  Yep, I'll be living in Suffolk, UK for about 4 years.  This may turn into a travelblog while I explore Europe.  Deal with it.  I'm going to drink Scotch in Scotland and Jameson in Ireland and wine in France and you're going to hear about it.

But back to my current road trip.  What the hell is wrong with people driving sports cars like they're geriatric stoners?  Drive your Corvette like it's a goddam Corvette!  I should not pass you in my 6 year old Focus.

And, yes, I checked my hotel room for bedbugs.  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Lesson 9: When your vision goes all wibbly wobbly, it's definitely time to go to sleep.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Comcast Hates Puppies!

I’m convinced that Comcast/Xfinity trains their customer service reps to be as unhelpful as possible.  I’m an expert on the subject…I spoke with three of them yesterday and two last week.
Thank you for calling Comcast!  How may I help you today?

Somehow I found myself paying more for cable and internet than I would pay for cable, internet, and a phone.  I called customer service and eventually found myself a supervisor who could make it happen.  End of story, or so I thought…

I arrived home from work yesterday to find a package on my porch.  Hmm…what is this? I didn’t order anything recently.  Is it a surprise?  I love surprizes!  Nope.  It was a new modem from Comcast.  I’m already suspicious of those weasels and now they’re sending me unexpected packages in the mail.  How much are they going to try and charge me for this modem?

I hop on the Comcast website hoping that I can have a quick chat with a rep and resolve everything before dinner.  Ha!  As if!  Though I did find out that the modem was triggered by upgrading my service to include a phone (which I told the original rep that I had no intention of using).  And then the shitty online rep signed off without actually fixing anything.

So now I get to call customer service.  In the dark.  Because it’s Halloween and I don’t want to give candy to my shitty neighbors who trick or treat well into their 30’s without costumes!  That’s called begging where I’m from.  At least try.  Wear a cape and call yourself a vampire.  Paint your face like a zombie.  Whatever.  Just don’t put a sheet over your head and go as a ghost.  That won’t fly in my neighborhood.  You might get shot.
Pictured: What not to do.

So I called customer service.  I spoke with a very very soft-spoken woman with a tremulous grasp of the English language who told me there was a $15 shipping fee for this modem.  Despite the fact that I neither want nor need a new modem, didn’t ask for a new modem, and wasn’t told I would be getting a new modem, the tiny (I imagine her tiny) Asian lady told me she couldn’t reverse the charge.   “That’s fine,” I said, still in the mood to be reasonable, “just connect me to a supervisor who can.”  Instead, she explained to me that I needed the new modem to use my new phone service.

“But I don’t want phone service!  I just want to stop getting violated every month when my cable bill comes.  I want to use my old modem and pay realistic fees for your services.”  Again, I suggested a supervisor might be the best option here.  So she continues asking me questions!  “I’m gonna go ahead and stop you right there to let you know that I’m only going to say the word ‘supervisor’ until you connect me with one.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you today?”


“How was my service?”


And so I get put on hold for way too long.  Because I’m not angry enough and they’d like to get me good and pissed off before completing the transfer.

Now the supervisor tells me the same nonsense about needing the modem for my new phone service.  BUT I DON’T WANT FRIGGIN PHONE SERVICE!!!!  I want cable and internet and I don’t want to get raped for it.”  He finally tells me that as a “one-time courtesy” he’ll reverse the delivery charge and I can return the modem.  Hell fucking no!  “You’ll reverse the charge this time and any other time you send me something without my authorization.  You can’t just send people things and charge them if they didn’t ask for you to send them things.”

So they did reverse the charge and take the modem back.  After I yelled at two people.
Comcast wants to kick these guys in their furry little heads.  And they hate America.

Lesson 7: Comcast is the best!  Tell your enemies.
Lesson 8: The Comcast customer service reps don’t have the ability to hang up the phone on you.  This could prove useful later.