Monday, October 14, 2013

I Don't Want to Live on This Planet Anymore

I took a friend out for the best pizza in Berkeley today and two glasses of wine later discovered why I shouldn't go into gaming stores buzzed.  It's worse than Target.  Of course, I really needed the What Would Jesus Wear? refrigerator magnets.  Also games called Hungry Hungry Hipsters and Mongolian Goat Rodeo, because who doesn't need those?  I'm not even really sure what they're about; I just know I need to play Mongolian Goat Rodeo very soon.

After stocking up on bacon band-aids, we went to the Halloween store and I discovered that I'm old.  I came to this realization while wandering around aisles filled with sexy nurses and slutty vampires.  You know, the usual.

And then I stumbled across a few things that lead me to believe that the whole "slutty X" costume genre has really gotten out of hand.

Exhibit A, slutty Pikachu:

OK, whatever.  It's Japanese and fairly tame as far as Japan goes.  There are no tentacles in places that shouldn't have tentacles, so I'm pretty ok with it.

Exhibit B, slutty Nemo:

Not only is this far sluttier, but also sadder at the same time.  Finding Nemo is a Disney movie for children!  Also, what self-respecting woman, preparing for Halloween, says to herself, "I want to dress up like a fish and/or beloved children's character while at the same time look like I'm about to take the main stage at the Pink Pussycat Cabaret."  Somewhere, there was a brainstorming session where someone had to have said, "let's put a woman in a fish suit." And someone had to have replied, "Yes, but let's make it a sexy fish suit."  It's things like this that make me lose faith in humanity.

You'd think that the sexy fish costume would be the worst thing I saw, but you'd be terribly mistaken.  I present to you Exhibit C, sexy Beetlejuice:

This is the costume that made me have to leave the store.  Sexy Goddamn Beetlejuice!  Are you kidding me?!?!  Anyone old enough to know recognize this costume is too old to wear it.  And anyone young enough to wear it is far too young to be hit on at a costume party by anyone old enough to recognize it.

You know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year.  Spinelli from Recess.  Not slutty Spinelli.  Just regular freakin' Spinelli from Recess.  And I'm going to be damn cute!

Lesson 15: Go ahead and be a big ol' slut for Halloween, just avoid dressing like a fish or Michael Keaton.

Friday, October 4, 2013

The Target Conspiracy

I think Target is trying to do me in. 

Here's a scene that happens more often than I care to admit:  I wake up early-ish on a day off.  "You know what would be awesome?" I say to myself.  "Coffee and fabric shopping!"  "You're a genius," I reply, because it's totally ok to talk to yourself.  And so off I go to have an overpriced coffee beverage and scrounge the sale racks at Hancock's for linen.  Coffee acquired, I find that the fabric store doesn't open for 20-30 minutes.  Whatever shall I do?  Oh look, Target's right there.  I could go and browse for a few minutes before Hancock's opens.  Nothing can possibly go wrong with this plan.  And that's exactly what they want you to think!

That very scenario is how I wound up with Millennium Falcon, Green Lantern, and Ramone's t-shirts, because I'm awesome like that.  So I was in Target recently with my friend, Enoch, who is my enabler in this sort of situation.

Enoch: Ooh, look!  They have Pink Floyd pajama pants.

Me: I don't need those.

Enoch: Why not?  That's exactly the kind of thing you need.

Me: Guess.

Enoch: Because you already have Pink Floyd pajama pants.


I got them at Target.  Don't judge me.  I have a problem.

I eventually left Target $71 later, but now I have Saved by the Bell underpants. 

Saved by the Bell.  Underpants. 

How did Target know I needed these?

Lesson 14:  You need Saved by the Bell underpants.  Also Ninja Turtle panties.  Because inside, you're twelve.