Monday, October 14, 2013

I Don't Want to Live on This Planet Anymore

I took a friend out for the best pizza in Berkeley today and two glasses of wine later discovered why I shouldn't go into gaming stores buzzed.  It's worse than Target.  Of course, I really needed the What Would Jesus Wear? refrigerator magnets.  Also games called Hungry Hungry Hipsters and Mongolian Goat Rodeo, because who doesn't need those?  I'm not even really sure what they're about; I just know I need to play Mongolian Goat Rodeo very soon.

After stocking up on bacon band-aids, we went to the Halloween store and I discovered that I'm old.  I came to this realization while wandering around aisles filled with sexy nurses and slutty vampires.  You know, the usual.

And then I stumbled across a few things that lead me to believe that the whole "slutty X" costume genre has really gotten out of hand.

Exhibit A, slutty Pikachu:

OK, whatever.  It's Japanese and fairly tame as far as Japan goes.  There are no tentacles in places that shouldn't have tentacles, so I'm pretty ok with it.

Exhibit B, slutty Nemo:

Not only is this far sluttier, but also sadder at the same time.  Finding Nemo is a Disney movie for children!  Also, what self-respecting woman, preparing for Halloween, says to herself, "I want to dress up like a fish and/or beloved children's character while at the same time look like I'm about to take the main stage at the Pink Pussycat Cabaret."  Somewhere, there was a brainstorming session where someone had to have said, "let's put a woman in a fish suit." And someone had to have replied, "Yes, but let's make it a sexy fish suit."  It's things like this that make me lose faith in humanity.

You'd think that the sexy fish costume would be the worst thing I saw, but you'd be terribly mistaken.  I present to you Exhibit C, sexy Beetlejuice:

This is the costume that made me have to leave the store.  Sexy Goddamn Beetlejuice!  Are you kidding me?!?!  Anyone old enough to know recognize this costume is too old to wear it.  And anyone young enough to wear it is far too young to be hit on at a costume party by anyone old enough to recognize it.

You know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year.  Spinelli from Recess.  Not slutty Spinelli.  Just regular freakin' Spinelli from Recess.  And I'm going to be damn cute!

Lesson 15: Go ahead and be a big ol' slut for Halloween, just avoid dressing like a fish or Michael Keaton.

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